clairewd

Anxiety in childhood

Jan 292013

All of us get anxious – and tiny babies, toddlers and young children are no exception. Anxiety can start in the womb, the baby connecting with the feelings of the mother in utero.

“…the good news is that ordinarily “good-enough” parents help their child overcome their deeply –seated anxieties, by reacting to even the most testing situations that arise so often in parenting and life, with self-control, empathy, and loving reassurance towards their children”

Symptoms of childhood anxiety can be any sign of behaviours that seem excessive – too much crying, gut problems, problems with potty-training, disproportionate sibling rivalry, passivity, being too-good, being demanding, sleep problems, a return to bed-wetting, hand washing or other repetitive disorders, lying, stealing, sulking, anger – the list is long. Anxiety takes as many forms as there are people, each of us feeling things in a way that is unique to us, but there are universal distresses too.

These can be incidental, for example a child reacting to slipping under the bath water or the barking of a big dog, and repeating the fearful response the next time. Or they can be more irrational, anxieties hidden in the unconscious which can be triggered by seemingly unrelated events or even by no event at all; these are anxieties which relate to the fundamental universal feelings – guilty feelings, angry feelings, sad feelings.

Children tend to be ego-centric (or narcissistic), which means they relate things to themselves as the starting point; when the child has a sense that his/her primary significant others appear predominantly upset, angry, depressed, sad, critical… the child will experience the world as a scary place, and come to feel responsible, that it must be because of something they are doing wrong, or even worse, being the wrong child, the child who can’t make mummy or daddy better/happy, the child who isn’t good enough.

Then there are the developmental tasks, such as negotiating the Oedipal stage. This starts earlier than most of us think, somewhere in toddlerhood and well into primary school years. In a very simplistic nutshell, it’s a normal transition of love from the first idealised love-object (mum) to dad and then back again, eventually finding a replacement love-object in friends, other role-models (for example school-years crushes on teachers), and then a partner. During this development of love-attachments, there is also the developmental task, again usually totally worked through in the unconscious, of moving from the concrete thought-processes of idealising (or vilifying) those who are beloved, to a more mature, balanced acceptance that life and loving is more complicated than ‘black and white’, ‘good or bad’, it is a mixture of feelings and attitudes, checks and balances.

These are ongoing emotional tasks that we all have to negotiate, some finding them easier than others. It can be during these processes that things can get stuck, go wrong, get muddled up, and deep-seated anxiety sets in: for example, children can become subliminally guilty at ‘betraying’ mum when they prefer to run to dad (or vice versa) and fear retaliation from the other parent.

The child will also be projecting his or her own subconscious negative feelings onto the parents, and siblings, believing that those very same feelings are coming from the more powerful parent/sibling and therefore there will be a negative outcome. We all project, of course, particularly when we are trying to deal with difficult feelings like rage, jealousy, rivalry, hatred: it’s emotionally safer to believe that those horrible feelings are inside someone else – but then the result is that we fear those feelings can do damage if they come right back at us!

Needless to say, all this can often produce a huge amount of anxiety. And it’s not just that the child is projecting his or her own feelings, they are also dealing with the projected emotions from the parent towards the child. Many anxieties within parents too, get translated into seeing the child as “difficult”, or “fretful”, or “rebellious”, when the origin of the feelings was within the parent who cannot accept his or her own disagreeable reactions to the task of parenting.

If by now you are feeling somewhat anxious from reading all this: the good news is that ordinarily “good-enough” parents help their child overcome their deeply –seated anxieties, by reacting to even the most testing situations that arise so often in parenting and life, with self-control, empathy, and loving reassurance towards their children. And even when patience is lost, and things get fraught and parents end up behaving like the overtaxed child for a little while, then perhaps the most repairing thing is to feel, and say, “sorry”. Even a very small baby will pick up on the reparative sense coming from a parent who a few moments ago felt very negatively towards this demanding little terror; and perhaps one of the most fundamental gifts we can learn about life and surviving anxieties is that distress happens, whether from within our relationships or from a more external force, and we can and do recover. It’s not what upsets us, it’s how we react that is significant to our ability to re-find calm and hope.

Soothe, explain, empathise and support your child through his or her anxieties, and that child will learn to trust that life is not only survivable but a challenging and creative set of experiences well worth the effort!

Article by Virginia Mallin, Psychodynamic Psychotherapist

Friendly Little Monsters: Halloween Without The Nightmares

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Oct 132011

Halloween can be a bit tricky to manage with small children in your care. Little ones are keen to join in the fun, but many of us worry that the event will be too frightening for them. If your children are intent on filling their brains with ghouls and ghosties at this time of year, you may appreciate our list of non-threatening books that shouldn’t cause too much bedtime anxiety

Ready Steady Ghost!

Elizabeth Baguley’s Ready Steady Ghost! taps into children’s emotions of feeling small in a big world. Children who are afraid of ghosts may be comforted by the central character, Bertie: a very friendly phantom!

The Usborne Monsters Colouring Book

The Monsters Colouring Book, published by Usborne, should keep children happy for hours as they explore a ‘marvellous medley of monsters old and new’, including trolls, werewolves, Nessie and the Minotaur. The bold illustrations and interesting activities make this much more than a colouring book. A great choice for the half-term holidays.

The Monster Who Ate Darkness by Joyce Dunbar and Jimmy Jimmy Liao elegantly ‘neutralises’ fear of monsters by portraying a non-threatening (and ultimately caring) one. It also provides a fun and poetic explanation to why darkness is so necessary at night time.

Alan Durant’s Billy Monster’s Daymare explores common night time fears about monsters under the bed, in cupboards or lurking in shadows. This book may help to explain to a child in a humorous way that lots of people feel the same way. The humour lies in the fact that this book is about a monster having a “daymare” about a child!

Bella and Monty: A Hairy Scary Night

The Winnie The Witch books are perfect for a Halloween bedtime read. Hare-brained Winnie proves that storybook witches do not have to be terrifying; they can even be a lot of fun.

Bella and Monty: A Hairy Scary Night may comfort a child who is anxious about the dark, spiders, ghosts or monsters, and make them realise they are not alone. Author and illustrator Alex T.Smith has succeeded in creating beautiful and non-threatening ghouls, skeletons, spiders and other beasts!

If you don’t want the babies and toddlers to miss out on the monstrous fun, we recommend Fiona Watt’s delightful That’s Not My Monster…. Little ones will delight in stroking a fluffy monster ear or touching some bumpy paws. Bright, bold, and suitably robust (after all, it’s not just the monsters who have teeth…)

The Little Parachutes Library includes several books which deal with children’s fears

Article by Claire Ward-Dutton

Author Interview: Nadia Shireen

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Jul 252011

Nadia Shireen is an exciting new author and illustrator. Her first picture book, Good Little Wolf is proving to be a big hit with critics, parents and children alike. As well as being laugh-out-loud funny and a little bit wicked, the book explores the idea of being true to oneself and standing up to stereotypes. Little Parachutes spoke to Nadia about shyness, making it up as you go along and how law students turn into published authors.

Where did the idea for Good Little Wolf come from?

I have no idea. I was doodling in my sketchbook and he just came out, looking all smug. I was working on a different story at the time, and was having problems with it. So I think my brain was trying to distract itself. Once I had the smug little wolf character, the story seemed to sort itself out.

As Good Little Wolf knows, sometimes it’s hard to go against the grain, to be different and not conform to peer pressure. As a child did you ever experience this?

I didn’t feel like I fitted in when I was young, but who does? I definitely didn’t want to be different – I was a shy, nerdy, brown kid growing up in an area where there weren’t many shy, nerdy, brown kids. I desperately wanted to fit in and be like everyone else most of the time. So maybe Rolf represents my inner rebel.

What were your favourite picture books as a child? Have they influenced your work?

I don’t remember having a favourite picture book, but I’d read anything and everything. My mum would take me to the local library a lot and I have clear memories of sitting in the children’s section and browsing for ages. I’d love anything that had funny characters drawn on them; books, comics, record sleeves, cereal packets…

How did you find the transition from law student to author and illustrator?

Well, it took about 10 years so it wasn’t a neat transition. I don’t have many memories of the law degree. I spent most of my time at University trying to blag my way into as many gigs as possible under the ruse of being a student journalist. Then I worked in magazine publishing for a few years. During that time I did an awful lot of doodling and staring out of the window, dreaming of being an illustrator. For ages I was very tentative about it all, but eventually I decided to do a part-time illustration course. I felt that at best, I’d get that yearning to be an illustrator out of my system. Happily, it’s all worked out rather differently.

Please tell us a little about the graphic techniques you have used in the book.

I make it all up as I go along. In some instances, I’ve drawn stuff in my sketchbook and then scanned it in to my computer and fiddled about with it. I also bought the cheapest graphics pen and tablet available and I draw with that. I don’t use Photoshop ‘properly’ and that’s probably a good thing, because it means I don’t get carried away with using all the fancy digital effects available to me. Instead it all looks a bit scrappy, which is how I like it.

We love the humour within the book, especially the twist at the end as the supposedly reformed Big Bad Wolf eats the other characters. What reactions do you get to this dark humour? Do children react in the same way as adults?

Most people like it, but I have had a couple of people who go, “Oh… OH NO!” They try not to look horrified. I’m sure they think I’m a terrible, twisted person – but hey, nobody’s perfect. I haven’t met any traumatised kids yet, but there’s still time.

Do you have other projects in the pipeline?

I’ve illustrated a book called The Baby That Roared, which will be published by Nosy Crow early next year. And I’m currently working on my second book as an author/illustrator, which will hopefully be out next summer.

Read our Review of Good Little Wolf

Find out more about Nadia and her work here: http://nadiashireen.posterous.com

How Does Divorce Affect Children?

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Feb 232011

While the experience of divorce ranges from an amicable separation with the least possible conflict for all the family members, to the most traumatic event ever to threaten the family unit, without doubt it is typically a time of huge loss, anxiety, distress, change, adjustment and, ultimately, potential for renewal.

“Even the smallest child will be picking up the fluctuating emotional temperature of their parents and will be making their own – often wildly fearful – assumptions.”

At such a heightened time, taking care of the needs of the children is paramount, but when your own world is being tipped upside down, it can sometimes feel almost impossible to know how to shield, yet inform and arm them so that they can also cope with such a powerful threat to the known structure of their family life. Knowledge and information is crucial at times of change, and when we are under stress, knowing what our options are can be the guiding light towards recovery and a fresh start. This is true for both the parents and the children simultaneously going through a divorce process.

Even the smallest child will be picking up the fluctuating emotional temperature of their parents and will be making their own – often wildly fearful – assumptions. Being told the (appropriate) truth, what the practical arrangements are, and being reassured that it is their parents who are divorcing but not them who are being divorced from their parents, will make the crucial difference between unmanageable emotional chaos, and a sense that life can go on and even be alright.

At worst, the process of separating and divorcing can feel like an endless dark, howling winter where alarm, denial, shame, blame, anger, sadness, depression, and fear of the future reflect the cycles of mourning – so beautifully and so poignantly researched and written about by the famous Elizabeth Kubler Ross. While her work was about death and dying, grief is not just reserved for death. Any significant loss is a type of bereavement, and loss comes in many forms, from loss of financial stability, to loss of the plans you once held for the future, to loss of trust, faith, hope, self-esteem, and emotional security. But loss does bring change, adjustment, and the potential for re-establishing a more settled life. In the process of ‘letting go’, negotiating the rollercoaster of contradictory feelings – like regret versus relief, fear of change versus hope for a new start – and dealing with our anxieties by making plans and legal arrangements, we move towards finding potential for recovery and optimism and a new stability like the first tender, vulnerable blossoms of spring. For the adults and for the children, it is a process which often takes time to cope with, accept, and adjust to.

“Children will often keep quiet, to avoid adding to the tension, or they might act out, with behaviours that are their only way of letting their own distress out where it may be seen and understood by their parents as a cry for help. It is often the case that children will become extra helpful around the house, and/or super-careful of their parent’s feelings, or feeling they have to protect one parent from the other, especially if anger is being expressed, and sometimes simultaneously hating and loving both these parents who are causing such instability.”

Children will react differently of course depending on their age, personality, and existing sense of self- esteem. The more secure their preceding years have been, the more resilient they will be to cope with an often frightening time where they see, feel and hear the discordant battling of their beloved parents, parents who embody their entire sense of safety, love, and security.

But it is undoubtedly true that how their parents deal with such a life-changing event will reflect directly in how well the children manage. It can sometimes feel nigh impossible for parents to do more for their children during this most stressful time, than make sure they are fed, clothed and get to school or to gran’s. Children will often keep quiet, to avoid adding to the tension, or they might act out, with behaviours that are their only way of letting their own distress out where it may be seen and understood by their parents as a cry for help. It is often the case that children will become extra helpful around the house, and/or super-careful of their parent’s feelings, or feeling they have to protect one parent from the other, especially if anger is being expressed, and sometimes simultaneously hating and loving both these parents who are causing such instability.

Children can feel so hopeless, inadequate, powerless, terrified of what is happening. It is common, too, for children to feel responsible for the divorce, believing that they are somehow the cause. And children, like their parents, will have such a range of conflicting feelings they can sometimes fear they will never survive the emotional turmoil, let alone the practical changes such as moving home, neighbourhoods, and many other familiar things.

“Ignoring sad or angry feelings in yourself or your children will not make those feelings go away, it makes things worse. This is where a good book, read together, can make all the difference.”

Dealing with children’s pain can however feel very difficult for parents under pressure who just so much want their children to be ok. It can even feel frustrating and angry-making that the children are “choosing” now to be difficult! But of course the children are reflecting the severity of the situation from their viewpoint. If parents can, despite – or perhaps because of- their own stress (as feeling raw and vulnerable can also make us aware and receptive to others going through the same thing), take on board their children’s pain too, then the children will have an incalculably better chance of coming out the other end with hope, faith and confidence that there is a “new normal” which may even be better in many ways than the failing marriage they had got used to.

The key to making the transition as manageable as possible for the children is to consider their feelings and don’t discredit them – listen and validate rather than deny or ignore even out of the best intentions. Ignoring sad or angry feelings in yourself or your children will not make those feelings go away, it makes things worse. This is where a good book, read together, can make all the difference. Children’s books aimed at coping with the divorce process not only help to comfort the child, they often highlight things that the parent has not considered or seen from their child’s angle, so the reading together bonds, teaches and provides a platform for questioning and reassurance that benefits parent and child alike. That shared process in turn helps cement the parent/child bond of love, which restores a sense of security and the child’s deep-seated awareness that his or her welfare is at the centre of their parent’s thinking, no matter what.

Article by Virginia Mallin

The Little Parachutes Library includes several books which deal with the subjects of divorce and separation

Author Interview: Rachel Bright

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Feb 132011

Rachel Bright is a writer, illustrator, printmaker and eternal optimist. Her picture book, My Sister is an Alien, is a charming and funny portrayal of a little boy getting to grips with the birth of his new sister. Little Parachutes asked Rachel about her work projects, sources of inspiration and how her family life has influenced her books.

My Sister is an Alien is such a positive book for children with new babies in the household. How did the idea for the story develop?

Thank you so much! You have perfectly summed up what I was trying to achieve so that’s a huge compliment. The story is one I may have been carrying with me for quite a time really when I think about it. I’m the middle one of three children in my family – with an older brother and a much younger sister (I was nine when she was born so I really remember her being a little baby), so I have been both the alien and the, well, alien-ee I suppose!

That magic alchemy that has to happen for you to weave threads of your own experience, like these, into a new idea for a book and put pencil to paper, happened when a lot of my friends started having babies too and it got me thinking two things…1.what a huge (and wonderful) thing a new life coming into a family is, and 2.How much new babies looked like mini aliens!! (to all my friends reading this, it was not your baby that made me think this of course)…on the fourth or fifth new baby visit, it just all seemed to come tumbling out. I think, though there is often a power struggle or initial adjustment when new siblings come along, ultimately they often end up the best of friends. I wanted to tell that story.

We love the dedication in ‘What Does Daddy Do’ to your parents. Could you tell us a bit more about how they have inspired you and your work?

“[My parents] gave me the freedom to follow my heart.”

My parents worked so hard to give me everything I could have ever possibly wanted in life. I know, as probably every parent does, they made huge sacrifices of their own to give us as many doors as possible for our future. Most importantly though, they gave me the freedom to follow my heart. They encouraged me in whatever I decided to turn my hand to, even when it seemed like a slightly illogical next step on what might conventionally be seen as an educational or career path. I went to a very academic school and was heavily nudged in the direction of a profession such as medicine or law by my teachers, but I had always been a creative soul – both my parents say they could never prise the felt-tips and plasticine out of my fingers for long, so when I chose art school, they just did everything they could to support me. It’s been the same all the way through life – I’ve taken a fairly twisty- turny road to where I am now (believe it or not I have been a designer, an air hostess, a life guard, a landscape gardener and a TV extra, to name a few jobs!), but I have never heard them discourage me or try to persuade me otherwise once. I owe them my optimism, my happiness and my belief that if you put your mind to it, anything at all is possible.

Did you experience any sibling rivalry when you were growing up, or was it all peace and harmony between you and your brother and sister?

Rachel Bright, Eternal Optimist

This question really made me smile. It immediately conjured images of me and my brother punching each other in the arm in the back of the car whilst our mum had stopped to go to the bank. Yes, there was definitely sibling rivalry in our family! He is three years older than me and I just worshipped the ground he walked on when I was little. For the first few years he absolutely loved having me around too and would let me play with his toys and generally take liberties (he looked a little like Alfie in the story with big curls and there’s some great pictures of the two of us looking a bit like Alfie and Ruby), but when he hit teenagedom and I was still catching up, I became a slightly embarrassing annoyance that wouldn’t leave him alone and wanted to play Sindys all the time. I was no angel either, I seem to remember ‘telling’ on him a fair few times and feeling smug when he got into trouble. It’s funny how this all just melts away as an adult though. I love having a big brother and I’m so proud of him. As adults we’re always there for each other. With my sister things a were a bit different as I was just beside myself when she was born so many years later – it was like a dream come true, a life size doll at the age of nine! I found a diary I had kept with little drawings of her first few days and months out of the hospital and it’s hilarious. I was there when she smiled for the first time (or maybe it was wind!) and she was just the cutest little girl – so cute it sort of hurts a bit to look at the photos. Of course we’ve had our sibling moments too, but I feel very protective of my little sister, even now that she’s an adult and more than capable of looking after herself! She’s always one of the first people I think of when something happens in life – only a phone call away in good times and bad. I like to think we’d always be there for each other.

Your talents seem equally divided between words and pictures. Which one is the usual starting point for a new book, and how does the process evolve?

“I say you’ve just got to stick out your creative divining rod and hope that it wobbles.”

I find it impossible to separate words and pictures – for years I tried to stop myself from scribbling and writing things in my sketchbook amidst the drawings as I felt like it spoilt the way it looked and then one day I thought, ‘Why not?’ – sometimes it’s best to just go with what feels natural to you. So now I scribble all over everything – napkins in café’s, the back of envelopes, my own hand! When it comes to writing a book it can start in many ways – often I think of a great title – something I can weave a story around. I like the way it feels when a rhythmic set off words bounces of your tongue as you say it, and I’m often saying titles, character names and ideas out loud. I write a lot of poetry too. Other times I’ll be drawing and have an idea for a character – almost a doodle – many of my characters have been born this way – and then I will want to get to know them – unlock the stories they have (they always do). Often a story will sit half-written or half-drawn at the back of a drawer somewhere for years before it’s ready to come out. It’s a bit like cooking I suppose – you’ve got to let something bubble away for a while to get the best flavour. I never try and do it in a particular order now. If it feels uncomfortable to produce it, you can bet it’ll read uncomfortably. I say you’ve just got to stick out your creative divining rod and hope that it wobbles.

You have so many ‘strings to your bow’, with your copywriting, stationery range, illustration, books and other projects. How do you manage to juggle so many different and time-consuming tasks?

Honestly? I’ve no idea! Sometimes it feels like the easiest thing in the world and other times I’m pulling my hair out. I’d like to say I’m very disciplined and divide my time up into book days and stationary days and printing days, but the reality is, it’s never like that at all, it’s as haphazard and chaotic as life itself and I’ve come to realise I wouldn’t have it any other way. Ultimately everything important gets done and it still leaves space to change direction completely if you suddenly get struck with inspiration. I’ll often be working on one project and stop suddenly to write a new story that’s popped into my head for no apparent reason other than it was ready to be written. A schedule might stifle that. I’ve only recently had the luxury of being completely my own boss, after giving up my job in advertising to concentrate on my own practice full time a few months ago and I have to say I’m loving it (I’m not sure how I had time to do a job as well!). I often fantasise about having a regular ‘maybe day’ where I plan absolutely nothing at all – not work, nor social and I just wake up in the morning and decide what to do with the next 12 hours. Spontaneity is a real luxury in this jam-packed modern life, but I think it should be made compulsory (possibly between 8-4 on Tuesdays).

Could you tell us a bit about what graphic techniques you use in ‘My Sister is an Alien’?

“For me it’s the little unpredictable imperfections – the scratches and smudges on the plate – which make the pictures beautiful – a bit like life.”

I’m a printmaker and absolutely crazy about old print-making techniques – especially etching, which is how I illustrated Alfie and Ruby’s world in ‘My Sister is an Alien’. Etching is a process which was used pre-computers to make pictures and it has a quality all of its own. I love the fact I get all inky and messy whilst I’m doing it and there are all kinds of liquids and potions involved! I start by getting a piece of polished copper plate and coating it in wax by using a roller on a hot plate. Then you smoke the plate with a taper (a thin type of candle) to make the wax hard and the surface black. Then you can start drawing. You draw by scratching into the wax with a sharp ‘scribing’ tool. You have to remember everything is backwards in etching, so it will flip the other way around when you print it – for the books I do this on the computer. Once you have finished your picture you have to put your plate in a big tray of acid (trying not to get it anywhere near you!). It stays in there for about an hour as the acid works it’s magic, eating away at the grooves you’ve made by drawing. Then you take it out, wash it and ink it up. Finally the plate goes into a press which squeezes the plate under a heavy roller so it presses into the paper and makes your picture. It sounds complicated but once you’ve done it a few times it’s not too hard. You can watch a little movie on my website to see how it all works. After all that I paint the pictures with gouache paints and then scan them in and do the last bit on the computer. The words were originally hand printed too – but we’ve now converted it into a font you can type so it’s a little bit quicker. The process is definitely a labour of love but it produces such unique results it’s worth it. For me it’s the little unpredictable imperfections – the scratches and smudges on the plate – which make the pictures beautiful – a bit like life.

We hear there’s a new book out next year all about sharing….

Yes I’m very excited about it! I finished it fairly recently and I enjoyed doing it so much. It’s all about two twins –Fifi and Frankie, who are having a little trouble sharing their absolute favouritest toy EVER, Funny Bunny. Funny Bunny is a little toy rabbit with glasses, who is covered in patches from all the rough and tumble of living with the twins. They all go everywhere together, but when one day they go to Grandma Flo’s house, they both want to hold him, which is when…Uh-oh..disaster strikes! I won’t give the ending away, but hopefully it’ll make you laugh! I can’t wait until Funny Bunny is out there in the world.

What’s the next project on the list for you?

I’ve already started lots and lots of new projects! There are two more picture books in the pipeline as well as some ideas for a series with lots of characters who have lots of characters. I’m also working on some animation and the Brightside card and gift range is keeping me very busy! I think one thing I won’t be doing in 2011 is twiddling my thumbs…..

Article by Claire Ward-Dutton

Find out more about Rachel and her work here: http://www.lookonthebrightside.co.uk/

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